I am almost certain that this is gonna be the last time of either writing about you, or writing about anything at all.
What should I begin with?
Surprisingly, I did not expect to be frustrated, yet again, with all of this. What even more shocking was that, I thought you knew me? But yeah, why is it always have to be about me, like you said.
You know what, I could be mad about a million things. You can upsets me about almost anything, easily.
I get mad when you intentionally made me wait in a car for hours. Yet no apology after that.
I get mad when you purposely wanted to drive rezah's car instead of yours, on our way to Genting.
I mean, you have your own car, so drive your car lah instead of hers! Why lah bother?
I get mad when I thought you purposely avoiding me (but true) last year.
But what did I do when I get mad? Nothing. I keep it to myself, I remain silent.
You took one year to come back and apologize, and I wasn't given not even a week to keep myself together, pick up where I left off and get back to you when I felt "normal"? Do you think that's fair enough?
There are many things that I think you should be sorry for but in the end I didn't give a damn cause I don't have much space to "simpan semua dalam hati", don't you feel the same? Even when you took one whole year to come back. I could swear and use every word I know to throw my anger towards you, but I didn't say a word when I first saw you back then (in rezah's car). That's how I react when I was mad, by not reacting at all. I protest. Call it whatever you want. But I thought you knew. Apparently I was wrong. There are things that is hard to explain, macam, kenapa aku kasar dengan kau je, bukan dengan orang lain? Tunjuk perangai mungkin? Oh tak, kau dengan Azim. Azim tu dulu lah. Ya, tunjuk perangai mungkin. Do you think the way I spoke with Hafiz would be the same like the way I had conversations with you? Do you honestly think I would park my feet on anyone's dashboard like I did when I was with you? I remember something sounds like "kau kasar dengan aku takpe pulak", and you answered "kita lain..". But when I did, aku lain. :)
Didn't it occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I was being me when I was with you because I've been let down for so many times and not because "oh I know you like me so hell yeah I'm gonna treat you like hell!"? I know what was it like to like someone who doesn't feel the same (just yet/anymore). I know. But what surprises me was that, you did not know that. You chose to believe that I was the other person. How many times did I hear you say "it's okay, take your time.." And not awhile after that, you weren't giving me as much time as I thought you would, you get impatient. Remember when I asked you, what happen between you and her? And then you said, "entah, I've tried but I just couldn't. That's just about it." I wonder why can't you put myself in your shoes, trying to understand that it's not just a one night effort.
I would appreciate kalau kau tegur aku for the sake of nak betulkan aku, dengan cara yang betul. But by saying "I can bring you down if I want to" "it is always about you. You don't give an eff about everyone else but yourself" "but somehow I still like you, HOW STUPID I AM?",... like seriously?? Ahhhhh I didn't see it coming. To hear it from you, was really heartbreaking. And that little effort right there, has already brought me down. :)
If I didn't give an eff about others, I wouldn't care to give an opinion about anything that is happening in your life. I could just listen and our conversation could just end there. But instead, when I got home I text-ed you "hey you know what, if you think that in this state of life you should change career in order for you to grow, then I'll be right behind you". I wouldn't go there.
And if I didn't give an eff about others, I shouldn't have waste my time and cents stressing out about what to buy for certain people including you, whom I thought worth little thought and appreciation when I was in some places. (well of course this is just an example that I can think of).
Thanks to you, I am well aware that the world does not revolve around me.
Thanks to you, I alienate myself from the people that used to be my friends. Cause after what you've said, I'm afraid that i'll only be that selfish egomaniac person to misuse the relationships, those bonds like I did to you.
Thanks to you, I'm gonna be able to do everything by my self again, if Allah wills.
Sometimes, explaining or arguing won't help you much, cause at the end, it's you who decide what to believe. And if you still think that "yelah lin.. kau sorang jelah baik.." then there's nothing more to justify. I'm done. Just let me rest, let me breath.
This time, devastation took me to a whole new level. And yeah, you can definitely bring me down, by all means. :)
I've let myself down much more than I did to anyone else. And you said "It's always you who decide to walkaway". Frankly, I made the calls because I was afraid of what's in front, when arguing with you was no where near to an agreement. Your harsh words scares me, like it did this time. To the point that I can't handle it.
Having a fight with you reminds me of us being little kids who won't surrender and neither of us wants to give up. Ah kau yang salah dulu, and then you pointed back at me, kaulah salah siapa suruh kau macam ni macam tu. When the fact is that, you forgot that I'm like perempuan lain who wants to be pampered, who wants to win over an argument even when it was not a big deal. Giving up doesn't mean you lose. Is losing a fight means much more than losing me? If you said that you liked me so much, now I'm asking you what were your efforts in these two years to show me that you were being serious? And I was serious when I said, "If you're serious then give me some times to be a lil bit more open towards you....."
This is to date,
When and after I get sick, I didn't think thousands of words can justify or clarify what I think about you, about all of this. Turned out whatever you said, what came out from you really meant so much to me, until one day I find it affected me so much that I couldn't get onto my feet. That's how your thought really matter to me. Until I realized, I cared so much, that I don't want to care anymore. At some point I really thought "maybe all this while it was you". Maybe you didn't see it, but I really took my time taking it all in, trying to be the person you hoped I could be. I guess it wasn't enough. :)
So now don't bother. We both had enough.
I promised myself to get this out before I kick off my journey. Yeay.
I didn't think I could write this long, I wasn't thinking I guess.